jokes, page 1

brain

20 Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity:

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With
Sunglasses on and point Hair Dryer At Passing Cars.
See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise
Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask
If They Want Fries with That.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It
"In."

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once
Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions,
Switch to Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For
Smuggling Diamonds"

7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance
With The Prophecy."

8. Don't use any punctuation

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Order a diet water whenever you go out to eat
with a serious face.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To
Go."

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems
Don't Rhyme

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And
Play tropical Sounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You
Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The
Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your
Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I
Won!, I Won!"

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The
Parking lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're
Loose!!"

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The
Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."

20. And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of
Insanity.......

The Phone Call

((((RING))))

**Pick Up**

"Hello?"

"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an
Uncle Paul."

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy right now"

. Brief Pause

"Uh, okay then, ..this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down
on
the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to

Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay Daddy, just a minute"

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did
it, Daddy"

"And what happened honey?" he asked

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on
and
ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on
the
dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"

"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared

and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I
guess he

didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit

the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead"

***Long Pause***

******Longer Pause******

Then Daddy says: "Swimming pool?? . Is this 486-5731??"

God and St. Peter go watch a football game in Italy and they watch Inter Milan vs SS Lazio.
The final score is 3-0 and Adriano, great brazilian player, scores a hat trick.
At this point God says: " St. Peter please allow me to meet this amazing player because the next time we will play against the team from hell we might have a good chance to win!!!" and St. Peter: " Whatever You say My Lord!"
So when the teams are walking towards the changing rooms after the game God appears and meets Adriano who goes: " Oh My Lord I can not believe I am meeting You, I am the happiest man on eartrh!"
God:" It is ok son, I come here to ask if You will be so kind to partecipate in the next heaven vs hell game as our team member because it is a long time we dont win and You are an amazing player!!!"
Adriano: "Of course My Lord!!!"
God: " Please in exchange I can offer that one of Your wishes become true, so please pick one and I will make it happen"
Adriano: "Well, You know that I am Brazilian and Brazilians suffer from Saudade (when brazilians cant live happily away from their land) so please be so kind to build a huge highway for me from Milan to Rio De Janeiro, that way I can go everyday with my Ferrari and come back in a very fast way"
God: "mmm what you are asking me is almost impossible to do son, please pick a second wish and i swear to you that I will make it happen:
Adriano: " I dont know if You follow Italian football I play for Inter Milan and it has been more than 15 years since our last win in the championship...can You please make us win next year"
God thinks for a second and...: " So...how many lanes for the highway???"
hahaahahahahahahahahahhaahahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaaahhaahahahaha

The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man

has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands! This is
a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet
of every husband , boyfriend ,or significant other !


DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Wow, you sure look good in brown!
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's my pay check.
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't over-do it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRA SAFE: Here, have some more chocolate.